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Wednesday, July 29, 2009 12:07 AM
In the mornings when I wake up I wait for you to wake.
In the nights you wait for me to sleep.
*
"What was that for?" he asks, referring to my long absence.
"Putting on concealer. Covering up two ghastly pimples I have on my face. I must say, your brands work. I love YSL."
He gives me an exasperated, amused look. "You're like my sister."
We talk about his day, my day, and everything in the world - and then,
"I dreamt about you again last night."
He leans forward. "Let's hear it."
"We were just sitting down and not saying much. I was waiting for my friends and you were there accompanying me."
"And..." he says, but I give the 'yeah, that's all' look.
"Still, the best dream I had in ages."
-
"So, did she call you?"
"Yes," he says truthfully. Of course the answer is yes.
"What did she want?"
He gives me a look. I can't even use words to describe now. It's the 'What do you think she wanted' look, I guess.
"And you said?" I ask in reply.
"What else did I say? I didn't say anything. I said 'No'." He shifts in his seat, moving closer. I can see new spots of freckles near his nose. "How is it that you trust me?"
"The same way you trust me. I trust you indefinitely until you give me reason to suspect something else."
He grins, relaxed again. I can't read his mind. "Sounds serious."
"You asked a serious question. But anyway, I didn't think she was pretty enough."
"Me neither."
We look at each other for a while, before I look away, feeling awkward. For a few minutes we don't say anything, and I like the way I'm comfortable (and I suppose he is, too) in this sudden silence. At this point, he stands up.
"Where're you going?"
"I'm taking you somewhere," he says, tilting the laptop up so I see nothing but his ceiling. I hear a clicking sound before I'm back level with his silhouette. He carries the laptop through a door and out into the hallway. He's bouncing around so much in his gait, I lose track of where we are heading toward, until the laptop finally lands on a surface. His familiar face is back in view, and he's trying to secure the position of the laptop.
"Guess where I am."
"Surprise me," I say.
Then I hear it. The beginning C note that kept me entranced at first. I'm sitting right on top of the grand piano - figuratively.
"The sound doesn't come out well," I stop him there. "You need better a better microphone."
He grimaces before suggesting, "Something slower then, perhaps?"
And I hear the C# minor posthumous nocturne played more beautifully than I have ever accomplish in the past two months.
Fuck, I miss you.
Labels: conversations, music
Confessions
Thursday, July 16, 2009 9:23 PM
"I miss you like fuck."
He purses his lips. Amused, I guess. "So we're allowed to swear now?"
"No... I don't know," I say. "You know I was in a restaurant today, just eating. I looked out, and it was going to rain outside. Then all of a sudden, I thought about you and how impossible it is that we're in this exact same world. I'm so moody aren't I," I say quickly, avoiding his eyes. I don't want to sound like I'm being a moody fuck all the time, so I add, "No big deal."
He's looking right at me. He's deciding on what to say. He's never big on verbal expressions. Quite like I am really. Then, finally, "It is hard to deal. Deal with it. You know it'd be over soon."
I was hoping for a mutual confirmation. So I sigh. "Are you going anywhere later?"
"No. I'm just waiting until you fall asleep," he says, before adding, "And go on Youtube after."
"Is it me or are you really nice?"
"I wouldn't do this if you're not worth caring about."
"You know what," I say suddenly. "Every time I hear Chopin's first ballade, I think about you. I just can't get past that mental image when I first walked in onto you. Is that crazy?" I pause, wondering if I let on too much.
"Not crazy, just downright creepy," he grins. "Anyway, dinner at my end now. And just for the record, I miss you too."
Labels: conversations
Dealing
Saturday, July 11, 2009 3:32 AM
If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same
-- Rudyard Kiping
I realised this post is going to be very haphazard sounding, so I'm going to attempt to give it some structure. By using headings (of course).
Wimbledon
I was really, really upset over Andy R.oddick's loss in the Wimbledon final. He showed so much spirit, so much determination, but somehow, in a strange turn of events, came up short. He was clearly the better player in that match. And as much as Federer is an amazing, phenomenal athlete, I thought the title should have gone to Andy instead.
The Female Brigade
I've spent most of this holidays with my different groups of girlfriends, and I call them now The Female Brigade (without their knowing of course, haha). They're part of the rock and constant that hold my life together, and I'm glad that we're friends for so long (some more than ten years (I know, I'm old), some nine, some four years).
Coping with changes
I was on the train to meet my friend one day, and something really special happened during that journey. Because I'm lazy and tired as always, I wouldn't bother elaborating, but it involved a little girl and her mom, and an unfamiliar elderly man. He was holding a crutch, and when he smiled, he had the neatest, whitest teeth I've ever seen. It was only much later that I realised that those are possibly dentures. I wonder how the elderly cope with living in a ever changing city like ours; so many memories are gone with the new buildings that replace their previous owners, so many different ways of working things, and yet I don't hear many complaints, but only silent adaptations to this new way of life.
This holiday has been incredible. I've finally found time to do things I want to do, rightly procrastinated on them for a couple of days true holiday-style, and then worked on them again. It's the lull before the storm. I know, I'm so optimistic sometimes. *cue mirthless laughter*
Dealing - conversations
Are you always a roller coaster of moods?
"Occasionally. It's one of the many things you'll learn about me, if you stick around."
"If I stick around," he says. "You look tired."
"I had a long day. Actually no, I'm lying. I didn't." He laughs. I love his laugh. It's pure happy and (I can't believe I'm going to say) innocent. "I didn't have a long day, but I'm tired. I had a long night. That's why we're talking at your night time."
He smiles, then sighs. He hardly sighs. "How do you deal with missing?"
"Depends on who you're missing. I try not to miss. It's a hopeless feeling. If I do miss, I don't deal with it at all. It's hopeless agony."
"Hopeless agony," he repeats after me. "Why can't missing be happy?"
"Darling, you sighed right before you asked me that question. I'm assuming the missing you're thinking of isn't a happy kind of missing."
Labels: conversations, friends, rambling
What's your good side?
Thursday, July 2, 2009 3:49 AM
"I call that your good side."
"My good side? Explain."
"It's just pure feelings. You're not thinking of weaving a particular story; so what you play is what you're currently feeling. You're not going like, 'Oh, what do we do next? Okay, let's take this minor - and then what? Okay, let's do some crazy arpeggios'. You play what you feel - and that part is your good side. I don't know how to explain it, but it possibly goes along the lines of somewhere in you, you believe in things like hope and all those good stuff."
"Seems like you know something about me."
"I don't imply that. Well, unless you're implying that I'm implying that."
"God. Women. Tough."
"God. Men. Vague."
He's smiling, but right now, I feel like he's a few thousand miles away. And it's true. He is that far away. It's so weird that you can be in this very same world, but leading so very different lives. On some nights, I fall asleep wondering if any bit of my life is real, and even at moments when I'm speaking to him, it seems unreal.
"Don't you believe in hope?" He looks as though I'm asking him to believe that dinosaurs currently exist. "Is this a male issue? Believing in hope takes something out of your ego?"
"No, but -"
"I think hope's important. We used to have this argument in class once, why is hope important? It's like when you're having a down turn, you work harder - but hope too, that things will get better. If you lose hope, you'll just give up."
He closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, he's tired too. It's only five at his end. "I do believe in hope. I just never thought about it that way."
Labels: conversations