1. I love music - classical music, jazz, blues, bossa nova, some pop, little rock, a little alternative... nothing metal nor trance. I'm not a big fan of rap/hip hop. It's imperative for me that someone likes the same music as I do. Things would not be pretty otherwise.

2. I'm an incredible home person. It's true. I absolutely love to spend time at home with my family.

3. I'm predictable and boring. But I love to travel. I love to try crazy things like sky diving (not base jumping!!), paragliding...

4. I can devote my life to playing the piano and learning languages. I'm currently spending my summer dabbling in music, learning French... ignoring German a little. ;)

5. I love cities, but would really like to go to some place less developed. On my list are some countries in Asia, and going to other exotic places like South America and Antarctica. I definitely HAVE to go to Antarctica. It's one of my must-dos before I die things.

Labels: memories of, reminiscing, sick

A really long conversation, because I gave up on my readings. Because I only tell one guy these problems.

"I want to be happy again."

He gives me an incredulous look. "Why do you think that you're not? I've seen you smile. I've heard you laugh."

"Ok," I acquiesce, taking a sip of wine. "I want to be happy permanently. Not temporary reliefs of laughter, but to be permanently, truly happy."

"What's stopping you?"

"The shadow of someone I used to date. I don't think I've quite got over him, and it's been a very long while." I paused to take another sip. "I'm glad you're driving."

He laughs. Then I continue, "You know, I thought I felt okay with the idea of going out with guys. I went out with this one that I didn't tell you - just to be nice, I knew he was committed elsewhere - but oh well. What can I say? Apparently exploring options is in your (men) blood. But recently getting asked out has made me realise that I just don't want to see anyone at all. But it's not like you - I don't know, maybe you're not a guy to me -"

"I'm not a guy?"

"I meant... maybe I don't feel like we're seeing each other. Ugh, I hate it when you guys FORCE me to call you. I mean, how can you force my hand upon this? You know how I hate commitment of any kind."

"You always call me."

"Yes, see, cos you got it right, never ask a woman to call you. It's just like you're some charity."

You lie back into your chair. "Well, you just don't want to see anyone. Why not just tell him off right?"

"That brings me to my second point. You guys are very persistent. I mean, can't you take 'No' for an answer?"

"What are you going to do about this one then?"

"I'm not calling of course. I'm not crazy over him, he should get the idea." I paused again. "I mean, all I want is, some good company, like you. Someone who is already committed elsewhere but wants to spend time with me still - someone, whom I don't feel like I need to commit anything to."

"I'm not committed elsewhere."

"I know. Let's pretend you are."

Labels: reflections

The worldwide flu is causing so much fear, and especially on my part I fear as well. I don't know if it's because of the undue stress that I'm facing, but I think it might have been highly underestimated. This is more serious than anything else we've encountered - worldwide, unlike the previous Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome outbreak that hit the Asian region six years ago.

What can one do but pray at these circumstances?

I pray this can be quarantined and kept under control. Please not let this be the next plague.

More about this: http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/26/swine.flu/index.html

I'm fucked, and I feel like this is beyond me.

How do I do this? It's not like I have not revised, it's not like I don't know my work.

But I don't know my work.

Labels: anger is healthy, college

I think I've somehow lost my concentration and ability to do well.

I feel very small and afraid.

Rescue mission... now.

"Time is very slow for those who wait
Very fast for those who are scared
Very long for those who lament
Very short for those who celebrate
But for those who love time is eternal"
-Shakespeare

Europe is possibly one of the places on Earth whereby I can be in the same country as someone else but they feel very far away. If you have an emergency, you can call that person for help but it can take hours - ages - for them to arrive if they're in another city.

Back here it's like "I need you to come. Now." And the person will be there in less than 20 minutes if they've a car.

I used to think German was a pain to learn and that French was easier (I knew at most minimal French), but it seems to negate. Now I know more German than French, and I think learning French is a real pain dans le derrière.

I'm hoping to recap a little French over the summer, but hopefully not at the expense of my German. :)

Labels: all things german, reflections

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

Happy Birthday.

I love you longer and more than anyone else in the world.

Thank you for being a wonderful person, and for being the biggest strength, constant, and rock in my life. You've made me a better person - even though I'm not a very good person - but you've taught with patience and guided me towards happiness.

Thank you for loving me most when I deserve it least, and for being the single most powerful person in my life. For knowing answers that I know, for knowing answers to questions I don't. For educating me about the world, for trying to instill in me discipline. For holding me together when I was strong, and holding me closer when I was weak.

Thank you for nurturing in me the ability to love, to give (although I don't give much), to learn to receive, to learn to be patient, and also the importance of love.

For that, you're the most wonderful woman I know, come to admire and love.

:)

Labels: family, I AM HAPPY

Some days I wake up and everything is just the same. Nothing has changed.

This is one of those days when I wake up and nothing has changed. I'm back at where I was in January. I don't even want to go back to that time. Even as I've come to closure about you I haven't found closure with myself.

I always thought I'd feel okay at April. I would be back at my thing, doing what I love to do, finding a summer job doing things I like to do. But now I am not so sure anymore. I used to be more confident about my abilities.

If there's one thing I hate, it's to admit that I've failed. I've failed myself. I mean, my grades this semester are decent. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to bring home the grades I do, given that I don't feel like I've worked as hard as I'm capable of.

All that I knew was it hurt me very terribly when you realised that I had four weeks left in your country. I felt like a lot of you had withdrawn. You know, I think you're great. I think you're capable, you're everything, but when you told me about your ex-girlfriend in that country whose name I won't speak of I was like "Why do you have to leave her (i.e. break up)?" Your answer was because you were going to leave that country. I thought that was the worst reason I heard in a billion years. I never leave people for that reason. In fact, I don't even like to leave people at all if I could help it.

Now, if you ask me to go back, I'm not sure if I will.
Do I want to see you again? Sure, I do. But not now.
Am I going to wait for you? - while you're sleeping around with people? Do you think I'm stupid?
Do I still love you? Well, I'd be honest about it, parts of me still do, but I'm loving less blindly and more realistically.

Do I give a fuck about what you do these days? Honey, I sure do. All the time.

The worst bit is to realise that I was happier in the past. Why? I don't know. I just was. Now my replies are repetitive, unoriginal and unhappy. Do I want to sound happy? Sure I do. I try to masquerade. But do I come off as happy? I don't think so. I still get, "Why do you look sad?" "Why do you sound sad?"

The thing is, how can I ever tell them about you?

Labels: men, rambling

My favourite place in Manhattan, New York City

From the script of The Holiday:

*

Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?

I happen to know the answer to this. Because you're hoping you're wrong and everytime she does something that tells you she's no good you ignore it and everytime she comes through and surprises you she wins you over and you lose the argument that she's not for you.

*

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or how many gyms you join or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed every night going through every little detail wondering what you did wrong or how you could've misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you would think that you were that happy. And sometimes you could even convince yourself that he would see the light and show up at your door.

Labels: movies