1. I love music - classical music, jazz, blues, bossa nova, some pop, little rock, a little alternative... nothing metal nor trance. I'm not a big fan of rap/hip hop. It's imperative for me that someone likes the same music as I do. Things would not be pretty otherwise.

2. I'm an incredible home person. It's true. I absolutely love to spend time at home with my family.

3. I'm predictable and boring. But I love to travel. I love to try crazy things like sky diving (not base jumping!!), paragliding...

4. I can devote my life to playing the piano and learning languages. I'm currently spending my summer dabbling in music, learning French... ignoring German a little. ;)

5. I love cities, but would really like to go to some place less developed. On my list are some countries in Asia, and going to other exotic places like South America and Antarctica. I definitely HAVE to go to Antarctica. It's one of my must-dos before I die things.

"you know what I always missed about travelling? I always missed the feeling of having nothing to do at all. I love to just stroll through a city doing countless ordinary, crazy, mindless things.."

This was almost 4AM this morning. Almost 9PM Switzerland time.

I know what you mean. I miss it, too.

Labels: living in switzerland, memories of

Although now I have my old drinking buddies back, it just doesn't feel the same.

I don't feel the same.

Hollow is knowing that you miss your drinking buddies in Switzerland. Empty is knowing that you can't be there at the spur of a moment.

But reality is knowing that you have to suck it up and make the best of your situation.

I miss Switzerland like crazy, wish I'm travelling and still writing stories about travelling. Some nights I dream I'm there and when I wake up, I feel empty and lost.

I'm living in one of the best cities in the world, but why can't I be content with that?

The upside is knowing that alcohol would be consumed this FRIDAY I NEED ALCOHOL YESYESYES LONG ISLAND ICED TEA :)

Labels: home, living in switzerland, reminiscing

I love my friends.

I love my best friend from university who's now in Stockholm. I love the crabs who've been with me for almost my whole life. I love my close, good friends in this city. Heck, I love living in the city. Wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. I love you who's in the European time zone, too. Talking to you makes me smile. :) I love you who's in the Pacific timezone. You always send me back to reality and make me laugh. :)

I'm feeling incredibly happy and blessed.

In one word, ZERMATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

I'm still bleeding like crap inside, but I'm never going to let you know that I've not moved on.

Labels: friends

The world outside is cold. I'm in my friend's apartment, and go to a room so our conversation can have some privacy.

"Do you trust me?"

Pause that lasts a split second. But I picked it up. "What do you mean?"

I should have already taken that as the answer, but I say, "In general. For everything."

"Yes, yes, I do."

"Good."

"Do you trust me?"

Without hesitation, "Of course."

The world outside may be cold, but at that time, I felt very warm inside.

I should've read into that split second. Fuck, why should I trust you? You were lying. Lying about you trusting.

I actually need alcohol. Preferably something strong. I miss my long island iced tea.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

It was nearing the end of our break, and he asked, "We're taking a walk. Do you guys want to come?"

They mumbled excuses. Other things to do. So it was just him and I then, that walked.

We walked to the place behind the containers. Tigerbergstrasse. It was autumn; the leaves were a mix of yellow and green. The weather was perfect. We talked about things. I can't even remember what we talked about except for just one thing.

Then, the small, narrow road we were walking in gave way to a huge open space. There was a farm house to our right. He strode across the field.

"Are we trespassing?"

"No."

I remember an old man near the farm house. But we headed to the far end where there was a tree, where there was a bench at the tree. The grass was still green, yet to be covered with snow.

"I never knew about this. How did you know about this place?"

"Stumbled onto it," he said simply.

We stood there in the silence, just admiring the beauty of that view. We were on a small hill, and a part of the town was below us.

I didn't want to let go of living there. I knew I couldn't.

Labels: living in switzerland, memories of

Screw you.

I was writing my thoughts into my moleskin book and when I was done, my hands were getting frost bite. My feet was already frost-bit.

I took a video of the surroundings. So peaceful, so quiet, so absolutely stunning.

I wondered when someone would sit there next.

The hugest wave came by just a few days ago; the hugest wave of feelings. I thought they were buried. I waited for you for the longest time. An hour and a half. How can I be THAT stupid? A second became 5,400 seconds. Another night wasted waiting for you.

When I closed my eyes last night, all I could think of was how I held you and how nothing else mattered.

The more I learn about men the more I realise I don't understand them anymore.

I never got my birthday wish.

I wish you're just a figment of my imagination, that you don't even exist. I keep telling myself, be strong, be strong, he's gone, there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing can change what's happened. Nothing can reverse what I've done. I can't live in the past. After all, I've only known you for such a short time. How much do I really love you anyway?

But really, I don't want to know. I'm so tired of going to sleep feeling like that on most nights. I'm just so tired of thinking of you while learning German. Tired of wondering what time it is in Switzerland, what you're doing, knowing that you don't give a fuck at all.

You know what? I'm tired. I don't want to give a shit about this. I hate feeling all upset when you're so happy. This is insane. I don't want to be like this. I'm off to sleep.

Labels: living in switzerland, memories of, men

"Anger can be very healthy."

I don't know how many closures I'm going to get but I got another two closures, day before last and today. It's anger. Being angry at you. For lying. Did you even realised that you lied? I didn't want to find out this way. I don't even have an ounce back in me that has anything for you. I think someone killed every bit of you in me over some nights and one morning I woke up with none of you left. None of your stuff's in my cell phone.

I thought about payback and I realise I'm no longer in high school and I don't want you put you down like that. I don't want to betray any remaining trust, if any, you have in me. And I don't put down people like that. If I ever do, it's always in fairness and in competition. Not behind their backs.

Otherwise I'm quite happy with the way my year's going to turn out. Everything's always cheery at January. But for now, I'm tired from doing a lot of throwing of stuff out, writing yet another report and I've still got tons to do.

Ciao!

Labels: men

I had no idea I looked so sad. I'm not even aware that I'm sad.

Today, I actually sat down with Mom and told her that I'm okay. I said that a long time ago I've stopped being angry at you, and I've resolved to be bigger than many other things.

I wanted you to do whatever that pleases you, that makes you happy. So when you told me that you didn't have time I didn't even get angry. I was beyond that. I'm never like this.

And I never go to someone's house this calmly. Never. I've never done that.

She never understood why you left me. But I understand. That's the part between us that I'd never tell her.

And secretly, I'm scared that you've moved on.

Because you know, I'm still waiting for you.

Labels: men

I've been catching up with old friends. So much of this pain of losing you is gone. I laugh so much more without feeling that empty space right now.

But every one asks me, "Chris, why do you look sad?"

I don't even realise that I look upset. So I reply, "I'm just tired."

I blog here now.

Labels: men

Whilst handing my passport and boarding pass to the final guy who clears me to go onboard the plane;

"Do you have any chewing gum?" he asks, smiling.

I smile. "Nope, I'm ready to go home."

I liked that question.

But the truth was, I was far from ready.

And now, I miss you very badly. I wish I could be angry at you for the things you've done, but I can't muster that kind of lousy courage.

On a brighter note, I got my German class! :) Albeit for an atrocious amount of bid points. But I'm going to try to be as committed to learning this language as possible. :)

Labels: memories of, men

I never really believed you can wake up one day and find that you no longer love someone.

But I made that realisation today.

I realised that letting go is the best option there is possible. That I am so happy without you. That I no longer feel any more pain. That when I meet the next, amazing guy, I'd only be to happy to say "I'm single" and know I've not missed up on a chance because I've spent that time hopelessly waiting.

I'm done. I'm through. I'm over.

I've got closure.

Labels: men

I was beginning to feel happy for once.

But now as I'm typing my report I feel the most sudden, inexplicable pain.

A week ago and three to four hours ago, I was holding you and I couldn't let go. I know how at one point while I was holding you, you wanted to know if I was able to let go.

I remembered then that I leaned my head closer against you, with the side of my cheek next to your chest. I remember imagining that that was the last time I'd ever hold you again in my life. I wonder if you ever thought at that moment, how much you meant to me.

I guess the real question is: do you ever think of me these days?

Labels: memories of, men

I woke up at 6.15AM today (I know, very, very odd) and debated if I should turn on the laptop.

Argument for: I wanted to know if you were going to be online.

Argument against: I know you'd sleep early, and that if I turn it on I wouldn't get to sleep again.

I turned it on anyway. You weren't there.

I'm recovering pretty fast. I think it's the 10,710km distance that separates us.

Labels: home

I just got home yesterday. I've switched back to the local timezone after sleeping for many ungodly hours. The first thing I discovered when I came back was how big my home is. How I have a garden and a porch. I never had that in Switzerland. How big my bathroom is. My room. My living room's huger than my whole flat.

I'm so, so very happy that my friends came to fetch me - at 5AM in the morning. It felt like we never parted. I would have died if they didn't help me with my luggage. After we had some breakfast and headed home.

Then, after unpacking a little (50kg of luggage - I never know how I managed to talk to the Singapore Airlines people in Zurich and get past them) and talking to Mom for an hour, I fell asleep before heading out to my friend's party, and then got home and fell asleep, again.

I woke up pretty late today - 9AM - and got down to work immediately, calling up the internet and TV guys and I'd be working on my report in a while. My social calendar's filling up like it used to - lunch with a friend later, farewell party in the evening and surprise party later in the week.

*

I cried on the plane back. I remember looking out to Zurich and I started to cry.

I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel this way, but I cried for the longest time.

Then I got okay, and then I cried again, and I got okay.

I haven't cried since I landed in Singapore, but I can feel a bit of that nagging pain wishing that it wasn't there. But with all my wonderful friends around I'm feeling a lot better. I'm starting to come to terms that I'm finally gone, and that there's nothing I can possibly do to change your mind.

I still do love you. And I don't want to stop feeling that way.

Labels: home

If I left a voicemail at your phone, it'd sound exactly like this.

Hi, it's me. I just wanted to call to say goodbye, again. Have a great year, a great life, and see you around.

But what I really wished I could say would be:

Hi, it's me. I don't want to keep coming back to you, but I never know when is the next time I can call you and still feel the same way. I can't say how much I'd miss you when I leave, and how much I'd think of you on the plane, not able to go anywhere, not able to run away, or take a walk, but to contain myself in a seat. You have no idea how much I do really need you to be around.

I really do need you to be around. And I never felt more clearly, or more strongly, that I do love you.

It's turned out to be the best and worst mistake I've made.

If you ask me to find you in hundreds, thousands of people, I could. If you ask me to come back a week, a day, a month after I'm gone, I would. And if you ask me, right at this instant, not to leave, I'd not board that plane at all.

But every time I go out, the streets are void of you; it's like you never existed. I never expect you to appear, but the finality and certainty that you've gone before I do pains me.

I should be happy though. A friend puts it that at least there was a point in time when I was happy. That's what this whole pain is here for. And I'd be back living the city life - the life I've lived for the past 19 years. I should be happy. Huge city. Financial hub. The most amazing friends and the coolest parents in the world. A nice, lovely home with a great school. I should really be happy.

Except that I'm not.

Loving someone is giving them the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

I'd board the plane, then feel 12 hours of full pain, full alone time with no one to make me feel better. When I step out onto my land - Singapore - you'd mean nothing to me. All my memories are left back in Switzerland, and I wouldn't come back until I'm entirely sure that I've gotten over you.

Goodbye Switzerland, I'd miss you so badly.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

This is the second morning without you.

I wake up every day now trying to feel better. I'm laughing more these days, but every day is worse than the previous. I feel terrible. Awful. I think the worst thing you can hear from someone you love is to admit that this is a mistake. And I think the worst realisation you can possibly have is that it probably isn't love if it ends this way.

I went to your place two days ago knowing what I'd hear. But I wanted you to say it. I wanted to get closure.

You can't possibly think that I'd ever lie to you, or that I'd never say the truth. I still know that you don't trust me.

I'm leaving in 24 hours. For the past two years, my dating pattern hasn't changed. 2007 I was leaving, 2008 he was leaving and now, 2009, I'm leaving again.

I really, can't hold myself together anymore. And I wish you cared.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I counted down to 2009 like everyone else did. My new year resolution? To never count down in Singapore again. Last year, I did it in New York City, and this year, in Zurich. I did wonder where I'd be next year.

I remember getting out of the train with my friends to meet P.amela and hugging her to say hello, then we ran out of Zurich hauptbahnhof whilst everyone around us was counting down in German - I joined in too - and we caught the first fireworks of the night.

Hello, 2009. 2008 has been the best year for me possible, and I'm thankful to everyone who has made it great.

Spending New Year's with my friends made me temporarily forget the amount of insane pain that I had. I was so happy for the new year to come, so ready to put away all my sad memories, and so the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep.

The next morning, the first thought I had was not "What's the time now?" but of you. I wondered where you are, what you are doing and how you were. All these answers I can possibly guess, but down the road, I'd never know. I thought about what you said yesterday. And how it felt so far away. I thought about flying home earlier, just twelve hours earlier, but I still can't do it. I still can't leave.

Labels: living in switzerland, men