1. I love music - classical music, jazz, blues, bossa nova, some pop, little rock, a little alternative... nothing metal nor trance. I'm not a big fan of rap/hip hop. It's imperative for me that someone likes the same music as I do. Things would not be pretty otherwise.

2. I'm an incredible home person. It's true. I absolutely love to spend time at home with my family.

3. I'm predictable and boring. But I love to travel. I love to try crazy things like sky diving (not base jumping!!), paragliding...

4. I can devote my life to playing the piano and learning languages. I'm currently spending my summer dabbling in music, learning French... ignoring German a little. ;)

5. I love cities, but would really like to go to some place less developed. On my list are some countries in Asia, and going to other exotic places like South America and Antarctica. I definitely HAVE to go to Antarctica. It's one of my must-dos before I die things.

I just counted down to the New Year's with Ced on the phone. Somehow this afternoon brought a bit of closure for me. I think it was something - the only thing - that was stopping me from going back.

*

I've dated my fair share of men in life, but I loved you the most out of all of them. I still do love you.

I came to Switzerland not wanting to fall in love with someone. I never expected that to happen. I came here to get over someone I was seeing over the summer. Within two weeks of meeting tons of new people, making new friends - one of them was you, and learning German and travelling around this beautiful country, I got over him.

Two weeks, but it actually took me two months - including the time I was in Singapore - to do so.

I remember talking to you for the first time. I was new to this town, but not to Europe. When you asked for my number I gave it to you, and thought you'd call. You didn't. Your call came a month later almost, and so we spent our first alone time drinking together.

I don't know how, I don't know when, or why, but I did actually start to like you. And trust me it's a huge thing because if you do go around asking, I don't like people very much nor that often. I've rejected my share of men as well, but hardly - actually never - been rejected because I just don't like someone that easily.

And when I met you, when you asked me if I had a boyfriend back home, I said "No." From then on I wanted to be thoroughly honest with you, because I could see how things could develop from there, and I didn't want to start this off with lies.

Obviously you didn't trust me as much as I'd like you to. I wish you did though, I really wish you did.

Slowly, the tables turned and things start to go astray. I started to like you more than I allowed myself to. I told myself it was okay to be vulnerable again. It was okay to go out and like someone. I tried to ignore the fact that I was going home some time, if not very soon, because time should never be a factor when it comes to loving someone.

What you said this afternoon killed me. When you said it it was like air; meaningless. I didn't even feel upset when we talked this afternoon. I felt horribly, awfully calm.

I never knew I could be so calm.

In those periods when we didn't see each other, I got upset, disappointed and angry. Then I resolved not to be any of these. I told myself that I didn't have time to be any of these things and that whenever you had time would be whenever I had time. I chose to wait than to feel negatively.

The past few days I've been in church and I prayed for us to understand each other. I told God to lead the way. I wanted him to show me what's right for myself. And every day I went there, I lit a candle for you.

Today I spent an hour finding your place. When I did I called you but you didn't pick up the phone. So I went to church after that, lit a candle, and left. Then I called you - and it was then when I realised that I had to see you one last time. I didn't care how it was going to turn out - I wanted to hold you one last time. I took a cab because I didn't want to waste a second of not seeing you.

So when we talked I felt awfully calm. I'm usually not calm at all. But I remember looking at your eyes. I remember saying, "I never do this" and it is true, I never do this. I didn't even need courage to do this, and I don't know why. But I do know that when I held you for that instant I didn't want to let you go. I didn't want to forget the way it feels to be there, right there, with you.

I used to say that if everyone's life has a re-running story then mine is about waiting. In all my life I've been waiting - even when I'm seeing someone. I've been waiting for them to have time for me, always. And when it ended they realised that they made me wait. Then they realised that they shouldn't have, but it was too late. Somehow it occurs to me now, that you'd never get that realisation. I think in that moment when we held each other you were doing it out of charity, while I, I was doing it because sincerely, truly, I did have feelings for you.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

This time I held you for the longest time.

And I never let go.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

These few days I've been in church, praying for you. I've been lighting candles for my dead grandparents, then my parents, and then you.

I wish I spent the whole of last night with you. And the very fact that I didn't kills me. I wish I didn't have to like you as much as I do, because saying goodbye is the worst thing that I ever had to do.

I wish I held you longer last night, and I wish I said I love you.

But I couldn't. Because if that got out then it'd be an admission of my feelings, and then I wouldn't be able to leave.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

In all that fashion...2009 will be a personal year goal thing. Not a I'm going to get a driver's license like in 2007, or to have a sparkling wonderful fantastic year like 2008.

1. Read more books
2. Smile more, laugh more (although I do quite a bit of that already)
3. Sigh less
4. Spend some time cooking
5. Spend more time on the piano... I miss not playing it for four months.
6. Worry less.
7. Love more and be less guarded.

Seven is enough.

*

My favourite memories in 2008 (in chronological order):

1. Studying at the library with my friends (I know, odd) without fail, every day, for 12 hours.
2. A long night at the beach with someone I used to care about
3. Final day at work - freedom at its best
4. Playing Wii/Rock band with my beloved primary school friends
5. Taking a flight to Zurich
6. That walk I had with A.ndy to the back of our school. I don't know why, but I loved it even though it didn't last very long.
7. My days in Europe
8. Spending time with my Mom in S.witzerland.
9. Falling in love with someone whom I only said goodbye to slightly more than two hours ago
10. Dancing the night away
11. Studying with my international class
12. My days in France with the girls

Labels: living in switzerland

OK I'm done. I'm done, through and over. I've felt sadness for as long as I can. And I just don't want to feel sad any more. I'm not going to live very long, and I want to spend as many moments as happy as I possibly can.

Labels: living in switzerland

I was in S.ingapore, but then I stepped out into the S.witzerland cold with you.

Trust me, I never wanted to end it.

I never wanted this night, this time, this moment, to end. I didn't think what I did was right, not at all. If I had followed my heart I would haven't been this upset right now. I know this is a decision I'd regret for a long time to come, but I have to do it.

It was so hard for me. And now, just fresh from what happened at 10.03PM, I'm feeling the craziest, most insurmountable, wave of emotions. I'm not even crying, but this pain is worse than anything that I've felt in a long while.

I won't forget the way we said goodbye.

*

"Did you take that train?"

"When was it?"

"9.27pm, last Thursday."

"Yes I did."

"I saw you."

"Where were you?"

"I was at the restaurant."

"But I wasn't (in that carriage) right?"

"Yeah. You were at the back." I saw you, I saw you on Christmas night.

No questions about why I didn't call you then. But I wanted you to know that we were in that same space.

*

I held you for the longest time, and for that moment I was safe right there with you.

*

Talking to C.ed and H.uanna made me feel 100x better, although both calls cost me an exorbitant amount of money.

Talking to XY now on Skype is priceless.

*

Oh god, I want to reverse what I did.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

It's 2.50AM and I just got back 3 minutes ago. Tonight's soiree brought a little bit of closure for me. Closure means bringing me a step closer to facing the reality that my time here is over; the party's over, the fun's over, and now I have work back home.

This afternoon at church I closed my eyes for one last time. One last time I imagined myself being here.

And when I opened my eyes I was still there.

In that phone call I wanted to say goodbye, and leave it there. But with what you had later I didn't want to do that, but I'm afraid that I'd never get to say goodbye. I want to have closure with you. I want you to tell me that all I am is a fling and that you're done, through and we shouldn't talk to each other for the rest of our lives.

I'd be devastated, but that's good for me, and I'd be fine at the very end. I wouldn't spend the new year waiting for something that'd never happen, that'd never come.

But if you tell me, if ever, that I don't have to be out there again, I'd believe you too in a heartbeat.

All I want is for you to lead the way because I can't make decisions anymore.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I'm back from living the life on the S.wiss alps - ie skiing. Still in this country, and I can't believe I'm coming home.

*

After that call - that call when I couldn't even say anything but "OK" and "yes" and when you did all the talking - there was a huge silence after "goodbye". I was waiting for you to end the call. I used to do that first but now I don't want any call to end.

You waited for a while for me to end the call, but we both pressed "end" at the same time.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I got back home two hours ago (it's 2.29AM now), and now I'm still doing my laundry. My room's in a complete mess, and I don't intend on sleeping until it's done, but my next train is in 2 hours' time, and I'd be off to my next adventure again.

Being so long without the Internet has been incredibly liberating; I've turned to writing my thoughts in a moleskine, and the pages are quickly filling up.

France was super... but I was only too happy to come home to Switzerland. Having bade farewell to my two lovely Brit-accented S.ingaporean friends, I happened to take the same train home with another friend, and so we had our dinner at the IC train's restaurant for 3/4 of our journey.

Christmas was slightly short of lovely, but better than the one I had two years ago in Rome. I guess I'm just happy to be spending Christmas night on a train with a good book and some company, although I very much thought it would be spent alone...

Coming back to my block of studios was really quite unsettling. The sight of everyone's surrendered keys makes me miss those who have already left, but I was happy to have the whole laundry room to myself for once. :)

I'm off to pack my room now. It's so messy, but my bed's calling me, and I haven't packed for my trip.

*

I saw you at the train station today.

After all that writing, thinking, and waiting, seeing you was something I thought I'd never be able to do.

I breathed faster in those moments when you were just right there, right beside my train.

I wanted to find you, but it seemed too crazy to do so (not to mention deliberate)... after all, I'd be gone in a week, and you'd forget me by then. I spent the whole holiday thinking about you, trying to forget you, finally finding a bit of happiness, a bit of joy without you, but only to see you on my journey back.

I'm back to square one again.

I wished we spent Christmas night together.

I really wished you were the person having dinner with me on the train tonight. And the thought of that makes my stomach clench with fear; I've allowed myself to like you more than I should.

Labels: living in switzerland, men, travelling

Funny conversation.

"Why do you have to be so mean to everybody?"

"Why do you have to be so nice to everybody?

"Well -"

"There must be a balance right, between good and evil?"

I can't disagree.

"So, it's like, you complete me."

(Cue rolled eyes)

*

I've been partying for the last 48 hours since I got through my exams and I'm tired of clubs, dancing and beer. It feels so great to be home and enjoy some peace and quiet.

I hugged a thousand people goodbye, and every single hug was different.

But I remember yours more clearly than others.

You were the only one who whispered into my ear as we held on for that moment.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I kissed you in front of everyone else tonight.

And at the very end, all you said was "Goodnight".

But it did make me feel better. :)

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I realise I made seven nicknames for you over time.

*

Tonight, we ended with pacifying. I secretly wish he could pacify me as well as you could. With you it's done in seconds. With him, it takes so much longer. But maybe it's because I like him.

I did want an answer from you tonight though.

Honestly, what am I going to do without you for winter break?

*

As I clamber into my bed tonight, I wish I have no dreams about you. And that my perfume still lingers at your place.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I've decided tonight, you're not going to spoil my vacation. I didn't come here wanting to like someone, or to be with someone. I'm going to have time for you whenever you have time for me. Or else I'd be with other men. Take it or leave it.

Really, I was serious when I said I can't do without company, and I hate being alone.

I was also serious when I said tonight's the last night we could see each other.

It's not my personal belief that you can wake up one day and tell that person you don't love them anymore. But we try everything in life once, and I'm going to try this.

In two hours your number would be gone from my phone, and if you ever call me next, I'd ask you who you are.

Because really, you'd be gone from my memory, too.

Goodbye.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

It's my birthday :) I dreaded so much to turn 20 and leave my teenage years behind, but for some reason I'm really happy today. :)

Thank you everybody. And for the surprises from my best friends. I'm extremely touched :)) I'd kiss everyone if I'm in Singapore.

Someone murdered Frosty, the first snowman I've ever built in my whole life. If I ever legislate law (which is never) in Switzerland, I'm going to make it a crime to cause permanent damage to snowmen. Honestly! I wish he could have lived at least till my birthday...

I remember my last birthday - Long Beach @ Dempsey! It was amazing. Today.. I don't even have time to celebrate my birthday with myself. I just wished there's a someone to celebrate it with.

alright i'm going off to study ciao ciao! :)

Labels: living in switzerland, memories of

After so many turns and twists, I'm finally happy. And this feeling is here to stay.

It is in the moments when we lose ourselves that we are at our most beautiful.

Labels: living in switzerland

My friends and I had a snowball fight today and it was ultra fun. :)

Tomorrow, I'm making me a snowman! 5 more hours of sleep left..ciao ciao!

Labels: living in switzerland

Loving someone is giving them the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

*

The truth is, I gave up on you a long time ago. And when I called you this afternoon, I wasn't destroyed. I already knew what you were going to say. But I think, this Friday, if it happens, I'd say it before you. I want to be the one who's leaving;

It used to scare me, that I'd be thousands of kilometres away from you, that I'd never get to hold you.

But then I realise, it's been this long since I've held you, and I'm okay.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

A few days ago, I stopped breathing your air. I know we're both busy. I know the importance of work. Heck, sometimes even I don't have time for you too; but the truth is I haven't seen you in ages. I see my friends more than you these days.

I wish your words contain more than just air.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

The truth is, I can't bring myself to leave this place. I wish I lived here. I wish we have more time for each other. I'd just want to take a stroll with you at night just observing the quiet and peace.

I'd miss the way you smile; your voice, the way you hold me. But I know I can get over you.

I can't bring myself to leave you, and I think if I don't, you eventually will. I do trust you entirely, but I've spent the last few days thinking how this distance thing could ever work. Now it's 2.2km; what would happen when we're thousands of kilometers away?

If you tell me just once, that I don't have to be out there again, I'd believe you.

I believe anything these days.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

And then he started to play the most infectious jazz piano music I've ever heard.

*

Oh God, time passes really, really quickly, and we're almost mid-December. Why does time always fly when you're having fun?

Please, LET TIME SLOW DOWN!!!

OK I got to rush for a few deadlines for the other timezone.

Labels: rants

One crazy party tonight, I got a little drunk, but I made sure I didn't do anything wrong. A lot of other people made mistakes that I hope I'd never make. I'm not even attached to you, but every time there was potentially something that could go wrong, I just thought of you, no matter how intoxicated I was, because I didn't want to do anything to hurt you.

And that's how much I care about you.

I just hope it's the same the other way around.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

I should be studying economics now, but instead I just finished some online shopping at Estee's and shipped it to H.uanna's address as they only ship to US addresses hahahaha. :))

I keep waking up late these days. I've got to figure out why I'm ALWAYS madly rushing to make it on time for appointments. Yesterday, I woke up at 11.40AM for my 12PM group meeting (10 minutes late, ok in S.ingaporean terms but not so much in Swiss terms... hoho) and today I woke up at 7.57AM to catch the 8.03AM bus (how did I get changed, wear my tights, boots, brush up, wash up and grab my bag and go?) for my 8.15AM class.

I came home, had my lunch, headed off to sleep for two hours.

I need to be more disciplined. And fast.

OK back to work.

Labels: living in switzerland

Ungodly hour #1.

This whole day I thought about you, but I didn't feel sad at all. I'm done with being sad; I've experienced that emotion in its entirety and let it go.

I got my daily dose of Mom today and she conveniently mentioned that she will be in Chicago next year. I cannot even fathom how that city came into play, but I'd be in Cape Town next year, and then I'd be back here.

Why is it that you always appear more attractive to another person when you're a continent away?

Please, don't wait until I'm back home; if you want to wait till then, then quit me now. I don't mean "quit" by not answering my voicemails. Quit equates to telling me you've quit. If not, you'd get a call soon telling you I'm done, through and over you.

Someone I previously dated is planning all these wonderful things when I come back. I'm used to empty promises but I know, it's that distance that is killing him. I used to feel the pain of the expectation that I'd not see him for six months, but after a month or two I realised it wasn't a big deal. It was him who realised that I was right all along about six months being a long time. Now I get meaningless sentences and invitations to some of the finest dining you can find in my country.

He's asked me if I'm seeing anyone here right now, and I answered...

Labels: living in switzerland, men

" The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you."


I didn't know when I made the transition when people ask me "How are you?" I always reply "Good" even though I'm feeling terrible inside.

When I said hello to you I never expected this to happen. You didn't call for a month initially and I never questioned that period because I thought, some things are better left not knowing. But you called and slowly I began to like you.

Usually I am great at running my own life - I know what I want and achieve them. But now, yes, I still feel calm, but I know I'm breaking down inside and I just can't do it anymore.

Tomorrow I'd spend a whole day feeling all these emotions all I want. After that is all finished I'd be over you. I need to be anyway; this isn't helping me study at all, and exams are in two weeks.

We call this closure.

Labels: living in switzerland, men

In the past few hours I think I've changed dramatically somehow. Thank you M for listening to my voice for like more than an hour on Skype haha I never know how you do it.

Well I spoke to some people who got me feeling frantic again so I made another phone call. But now I'm really, really Zen. I have no idea what came over me (no drugs, no alcohol please!). All I know is I've done everything that I can to the best of my ability and now everything else is beyond my control.

The next time I have something like this, I'm not going to listen to ANYONE. All of you - especially the guys - are so dead wrong. But it's my fault cos ultimately I'm the one who makes all these decisions. I never make bad decisions in this domain, but this time it seems I've erred terribly.

I'm taking a hiatus from F.acebook because honestly, since all my friends back home are done with finals, they have been really actively posting on my wall, and some of them are really unwanted posts.

I'm thinking of taking Wednesday off to do something like just walk around or fly to London (I'm kidding). XY tells me that she never hears that I'm homesick, which is "very very good" and I think it's great too, but I tell her I'd be if not for the friends I have here, and for her and other Singaporeans who are in the European timezone. I'm also lucky for all the emails I get, and the letters. :)

Tonight I'd close my eyes imagining that I'm in Bryant Park, which is one of my favourite places in the world to be in. When I first discovered it I fell in love with it. There's just something about something serene in the middle of the world's most bustling city. I spent my last day and night in New York there wishing I wouldn't have to leave, possibly because of my love for big cities - I've lived in one my whole life. But when I come here to S.witzerland, it's a really different issue altogether. Life is so much slower, people are patient, and you start to get some of your social graces back (I still cross roads like a Singaporean). I really like it here... I don't have to stay up till 5AM to do my work, and I can travel and still get work done. I was originally feeling this huge aversion towards going home because I'm falling in love with the country but I do realise that my parents miss me so it looks like I have to get home!

But maybe, maybe I'd extend my stay and go home in January. I'm liking this whole independent and freedom thing a bit more than I expected to.

I digress.

PS Sorry for the super long post... I needed to unwind after a REALLY long day! And yes, I do know you didn't read all of it ;)

Labels: living in new york, living in switzerland

Late night in Europe with XY:

"Why must I be the one who's accommodating?"

"Cos we are women. And that's what women traditionally do."

Then, "i feel like I'm the one who likes him more now."

"Actually he likes you more cos he's this hurt you see. If he didn't care less...i wouldn't act this way."

I got to the conclusion that I cannot spend long periods of time (ie anything more than half an hour) alone, so now I'm spending a lot of time with people and outside. I've got a daily study partner that should have actually been you, but these days I give up explaining. If you can't get that I'm the most wonderful person you'd ever date, then you can't get around anything at all.

Huge commotion on my f.acebook, and I have no control over who says what these days. I however, do have control over what I say, so all I wish is for you to listen to me, because I don't talk rubbish when it comes to things like this. When I bring you up to people who know about this, they think I'm giving in so much to you. I defend your position cos I know how it feels like to be in your shoes. But can you EVER know how it feels like to be in MY shoes?

My nights are getting longer these days, and I think I have to start drinking again.

We need to talk.

PS. For everyone else whom I haven't asked to partake in this matter, please stay out of it. I hate it when people interfere in my affairs.

Labels: living in switzerland, men